Miss MyaI’ve told myself a thousand times over, “I don’t need no man." “A man DOES NOT define who I am.” “I can do bad ALL by myself.”…real talk! Unfortunately, these cliches have become extremely commonplace and familiar, especially for those of us who do not want to appear needy or clingy. I have always enjoyed my independent, self-sufficient side. I’ve enjoyed not having to depend on ANYONE for anything, except my parents and they never let me down. That’s it; I guess it depends on what and who you put your hopes in.
I have asked myself this time and again: Do I really need a man? I remember back in college a guy telling me that I really needed a man to help release this aggression I had pinned up inside (that was hilarious)! Ladies, what are you living for? Are your daily activities, habits or routines solely geared toward getting a man? At the end of the day, is it a man that will ultimately make you happy? An article found on CNN.com talked about being more accountable, focused and motivated when in a relationship? You’ve got to be kidding me! I would hope that regardless of having a man or not, that I would strive to be the best, do the best and share the best at all times…cased closed! Clearly that’s not the case with some women….and one has to wonder who the “real” person is and what her motivation is. Is she "keeping it real" when she has a man or when she doesn't? Are these positive, self-motivating characteristics signs of needing and keeping a man or self-improvement?
I can’t deny that I like being in a relationship and having someone interested in me romantically who desires and is attracted to what is my inner and outer beauty. God created us to love because He is love. He wrote a 66-book love letter just for us to contemplate, absorb and live by. So why then would I need a man when I have all I need in the one true living God. He sustains me, He holds me down, lifts me up, makes me smile, tells me I’m beautiful, encourages me, helps me through hard times, is my consolation when I need Him….man I could go on and on, seriously!
Needing a man is nothing more than misguided desires. We have come to use needs and wants interchangeably, thinking they are the same thing (when that is the furthest from the truth)! My want to have a man in my life stems from my own personal, flesh-filled desires to share, interact, grow, and learn with another person with hopes to meet that a person to share my life with intimately, forever. That particular want is vastly different than needing a man in my life. If me needing a man were true, that would mean there was something lacking or wrong with me that could be fixed or improved by a man being in my life. That could be nothing further from the truth….seriously folks! I need a man like I need a hole in my head, guys ain’t NOTHING but trouble.
Mr Hines
I recently had a conversation with a woman friend of mine about this very topic. She's 35, single, with no children. The conversation began with us discussing her recent break up with a guy she'd been with for over a year. They'd begun living together early in the relationship. I'd had a conversation with her just after he moved in. She was venting about the little things he did that drove her crazy. Almost a year later, things had become unbearable, prompting her to demand he move out. He put up a 'fight', dragging things on for several months. After a series of arguments and physically violent encounters, he finally left.
Before I divulge the rest of the conversation, I'd like to give a bit of history on her former relationships. Prior to the fore mentioned, she dated a guy older than her (around 40 or so). He lived in another state, and was admittedly less attractive than she would have hoped. When I asked her why she was dating him, she said he " treated her good". He made frequent visits to town. The relationship was going well until he began pressuring her to move to where he lived. She abruptly broke things off with him, saying she didn't want to be pressured into such a decision. The relationship lasted approximately 6 months.
The guy before that was about the same age and really handsome. He never moved in, and frankly only visited when she requested. He wasn't very 'smart', though, and this became problematic when they were among her friends. She found herself feeling embarrassed, and for this reason, broke things off with him. The relationship lasted less than 4 months.
The man prior to him was considerably older, at least 20 years her senior. This relationship ended well before we became friends, so I know very little about it. What I do know is they lived together for a long span of time (perhaps 3 years or more), even co owning a house. Things ended less than amicably, as she harbors bitter feelings towards him even today.
Given all that I know about my friend and her former relationships, I have come to a conclusion about her, as I have women like her. These women are destined to be single. Not cursed or doomed, but quite obviously destined. After years of living on their own, on their own terms, these women are not going to accept anything less than what they expect. Not to say that their counterparts somehow sacrificed all of their expectations, these women I refer to have become so ultra independent, their potential to compromise has all but disappeared. Perhaps shaped in part by former encounters with men, and subsequent years of 'making it on their own', these women appear to be proof positive that they don't need a man.
During our conversation, I conveyed these thoughts to my friend. She at first seemed to take great offense, suggesting that I was implying she was an 'old maid'. I assured her that I thought nothing of the sort. I asked her to look objectively at her past relationships, including the one that had just ended. I then suggested again that many women were destined to be eternally single, certainly not married, and that there was nothing wrong with it. I further explained that these women might even be 'lucky'. Compared to their counterparts, these women had the freedom to come and go as they pleased. They had no one to answer to, cook for, clean up after, compromise with, or indulge, unless they wanted to! Married people should surely envy them on certain levels!
Now, here's the irony. My friend didn't believe any of this. She was incredulous. She's 35, very unhappily single, with no children, but desirous of being a mother. Even though her past seems to dictate, if not foretell her future, she is resolute in her strong desire to be married! While I don't think it's an impossibility, I did point out that the more time that passes, combined with what seems to be an increasing incapability to compromise, the chance of marriage becomes ever more unlikely. She disagrees, stating that she "doesn't want to be alone forever."
Do women need men? This question is not easily answered. I would argue that even the most likely candidate to refute the notion may prove more 'needy' than what might be expected. Perhaps a large part of what we desire is directly attributable to how we are socialized and/ or the influence of culture or tradition in our lives.
Though my friend clearly exhibits all the characteristics of a successful career bachelorette, she still clings to a lifelong, little girl fantasy, that prince charming is going to come sweep her off her feet. While that in itself is harmless, the effect of failing to come to terms with reality, and accepting the possibility...probability...that you might just not be 'marriage material' is.
Understanding that we all have our own destinies to fulfill, destinies that are self defined, not characterized by whether or not we are married, or have children, or are married when we have children, may be the only way we can begin to adequately answer such a question.
Mr. Hines
ReplyDeleteYou really represent a man's point of view!
Yes, a man needs a woman like a woman needs a man. There is someone for everyone. So, why spend your life alone when you can enjoy life to its fullest and share life with someone else? You can still participate in activities with your best girlfriends, coworkers, and definately, have some time alone. If you're looking to have a meaningful life and achieve your ultimate goals, you need that special man to compliment you. You can accomplish anything in life when you find and have a committed partner by your side. Nothing worth having comes easy. You must invest the time to cultivate the relationship and communicate (openly) with each other. A relationship usually falls short when both people are on different levels of the relationship. Let's face it, it takes work on both genders. It can be done and you'll have a better life with him in it.
ReplyDeletejewels, san diego
You need the RIGHT person in your life. Unfortunately, in the attempt to answer the question of whether a woman needs a man, women often find themselves settling for someone just so they have SOMEONE in their life. Even if that someone is not THE ONE. Like Mya said, we all have The Man in our lives, but it is certainly nice to have a partner with whom to share life's ups and downs.
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