Miss Mya
Are women with children really a turn-off for men to date? If so, why would they be turned off? Initially, maybe they’re thinking “She won’t have any time for me” or “Her kids are way too bad, not disciplined enough” or “Why should I take care of somebody else’s children?” These thoughts, among others could be running through the mind of a man pursuant of a relationship. But on the flip side, it seems as though a lot men have become much more sensitive to the fact that there are a growing number of single moms around the country and their chances of connecting with a woman that does not have children is less and less probable. And here’s some proof as to why men see single women as catch instead of a “throw-away”:
Are women with children really a turn-off for men to date? If so, why would they be turned off? Initially, maybe they’re thinking “She won’t have any time for me” or “Her kids are way too bad, not disciplined enough” or “Why should I take care of somebody else’s children?” These thoughts, among others could be running through the mind of a man pursuant of a relationship. But on the flip side, it seems as though a lot men have become much more sensitive to the fact that there are a growing number of single moms around the country and their chances of connecting with a woman that does not have children is less and less probable. And here’s some proof as to why men see single women as catch instead of a “throw-away”:
“Yahoo! Personals polled single men…asking why single moms make great dates, better potential mates, and are super sexy!” Here are some of the results:
• There is nothing like a mother. She is a woman that is responsible and focused on life. She knows what she wants out of life and will not sacrifice the happiness of her child for just any man. So, if she decides to date you, feel lucky.
• Single moms know what they are looking for and are independent. Any man or woman can appreciate dating someone who has confidence in themselves. Face it, great moms are sexy!
• You get to see how they relate to their children and how they relate to people they love. And for single dads looking for their own "play date," this also provides insight on how she might interact with our kids and her attitude about important life issues.
• Single moms enjoy their time out more and can appreciate a simpler evening of just spending time together. People with a fun, positive attitude and outlook are always more fun to date.
Based on these comments from the poll taken by Yahoo! Personals, it really sounds like men are willing to give relationships with single mothers a fighting chance. Single mothers have comparable characteristics to single women without children. Looking at the character of the woman, like how she carries herself, how she thinks, how she makes decisions, her ambition, and her goals in life is much more important when deciding whether to date her solely based on if she has children. Here’s an example: we all know Nadya Suleman (a.k.a. Octomom)…the lady with fourteen (14) children! It’s quite possible that a man is out there that wants to date, court and/or marry her, quite possible. However, given her unstable mental capacity and poor decision-making skills, it would seem a guy would shun her not because of the number of children she has but on the uncertainty of Ms. Suleman being able to engage in a healthy, sound relationship.
These comments from the poll bring to mind a wonderful passage of scripture in Proverbs that talk about the Virtuous Women – Proverbs 31! There were a few verses, Proverbs 31:25 – 28, that struck me in this chapter and seem to fit this discussion on single mothers:
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed…
Who wouldn’t want to court, date or marry this woman! My goodness, if I was a man I’d date this woman! Aside from Jesus Christ, this is a wonderful person to emulate. Although this passage of scripture can apply to ALL women; single, married, with/without children, a guy that finds a woman that has children may also find out she shows evidence of these remarkable characteristics, not feeling like he has to run away or shun her.
So what it comes down to is this: letting a trivial factor like a woman having children determine whether you will date her seriously could mean giving up “the one”. There are a lot of women on this earth, but how many are meant for you to meet, date, court and/or marry? Are you willing to give up a healthy relationship just because of children? If you’re that picky, get ready to settle for whatever comes your way!!!
Mr. Hines
In order to answer this question, I will pose several qualifying questions. Though a question shouldn't be answered with a question, in this case I will have to make exception.
1. Why would a desirable, attractive, hardworking single man, with no children, desire to get involved with a woman with children, when he has prepared himself essentially, to find his mate and start his own family unit?
2. Assume the man above was raised in a home with both parents...Isn't the environment where he was raised in conjunction with standard socialization in our society bound to instill in him an innate search for a woman with no children, ready to bare his?
3. (This one might be a stretch, but I think it is a possible psychological, unconscious thought pattern) I don't know the number of people that remain virgins until marriage, but might the presence of children for some men create the illusion that the woman is 'used goods'?
4. Given questions 1, 2, and 3, why would a woman with children presume to think that such a man would find her 'a good catch'?
Ladies, unload your weapons! Violence is never the answer! I am simply posing questions that came to mind while pondering the subject. To be fair, I will personalize my answer, as I think I am qualified to give accurate, fair, and unbiased insight.
I have dated many women with children. (Some of you might be reading this...Hi!) I've dated terrific women with children. I met them, we 'hit it off', we talked and established a connection. It must be said, however, often the mention of children was strategically inserted in conversation well after an obvious chemistry was realized. I am proud to say the mere fact that the woman has children isn't enough of a bombshell to stop me in my tracks. I never considered children in the picture to be a deterrent, but I have to be honest. In my heart of hearts, I identify with questions 1 and 2. I'd like to think I was always objective enough to measure a woman on her merit; her endearing (or not so endearing) qualities and such, leaving the fact that she has children out of my assessment.
How could I though? Honestly, how can I, or anyone, not take into account all that the children encompass? I contend that the longer a women is a single mother, the more her independent spirit is cultivated. I always found this to be a hurdle. Many single mothers, thankfully, are so strong, so brave, so 'hands on', and decidedly not in "need of no man". While these qualities are essential for raising children single, they are destructive when trying to cultivate a relationship. In my experience, women were unable to relinquish these traits. Some out of fear, others perhaps denial. It was the number 1 reason these relationships never worked in my experience.
Also noteworthy is the presence of the children's father/ fathers. This, more often than not, for obvious reasons, always made for uncomfortable encounters. Ironically enough, in most instances, the women seemed unaffected, (probably because of the depth of the 'bad blood' between her and her children's father), which always made things worse. They always seemed perplexed at my discomfort, as I sat and watched arguments between her and him, with me sitting there on the couch, with the children on either side of me. I felt like one of the kids! The father of the children would leave, and I would be noticeably uncomfortable. This would cause arguments between us in many cases, because the women would tell me I was silly for feeling as such.
It's not impossible, but given my experiences, it takes a 'special' man to take on that dynamic role. I have come to the conclusion that single men would be better off finding women with no children. Single mothers also benefit, because the numerous men that 'abandon' them because of their children can't be good for their psyche. Perhaps a better idea would be for single mothers to date and develop relationships with single fathers. The playing field is leveled, and the commonalities between both are increased. I have seen many examples of this, and am convinced of its success ratio over its counterpart.
• Single moms know what they are looking for and are independent. Any man or woman can appreciate dating someone who has confidence in themselves. Face it, great moms are sexy!
• You get to see how they relate to their children and how they relate to people they love. And for single dads looking for their own "play date," this also provides insight on how she might interact with our kids and her attitude about important life issues.
• Single moms enjoy their time out more and can appreciate a simpler evening of just spending time together. People with a fun, positive attitude and outlook are always more fun to date.
Based on these comments from the poll taken by Yahoo! Personals, it really sounds like men are willing to give relationships with single mothers a fighting chance. Single mothers have comparable characteristics to single women without children. Looking at the character of the woman, like how she carries herself, how she thinks, how she makes decisions, her ambition, and her goals in life is much more important when deciding whether to date her solely based on if she has children. Here’s an example: we all know Nadya Suleman (a.k.a. Octomom)…the lady with fourteen (14) children! It’s quite possible that a man is out there that wants to date, court and/or marry her, quite possible. However, given her unstable mental capacity and poor decision-making skills, it would seem a guy would shun her not because of the number of children she has but on the uncertainty of Ms. Suleman being able to engage in a healthy, sound relationship.
These comments from the poll bring to mind a wonderful passage of scripture in Proverbs that talk about the Virtuous Women – Proverbs 31! There were a few verses, Proverbs 31:25 – 28, that struck me in this chapter and seem to fit this discussion on single mothers:
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed…
Who wouldn’t want to court, date or marry this woman! My goodness, if I was a man I’d date this woman! Aside from Jesus Christ, this is a wonderful person to emulate. Although this passage of scripture can apply to ALL women; single, married, with/without children, a guy that finds a woman that has children may also find out she shows evidence of these remarkable characteristics, not feeling like he has to run away or shun her.
So what it comes down to is this: letting a trivial factor like a woman having children determine whether you will date her seriously could mean giving up “the one”. There are a lot of women on this earth, but how many are meant for you to meet, date, court and/or marry? Are you willing to give up a healthy relationship just because of children? If you’re that picky, get ready to settle for whatever comes your way!!!
Mr. Hines
In order to answer this question, I will pose several qualifying questions. Though a question shouldn't be answered with a question, in this case I will have to make exception.
1. Why would a desirable, attractive, hardworking single man, with no children, desire to get involved with a woman with children, when he has prepared himself essentially, to find his mate and start his own family unit?
2. Assume the man above was raised in a home with both parents...Isn't the environment where he was raised in conjunction with standard socialization in our society bound to instill in him an innate search for a woman with no children, ready to bare his?
3. (This one might be a stretch, but I think it is a possible psychological, unconscious thought pattern) I don't know the number of people that remain virgins until marriage, but might the presence of children for some men create the illusion that the woman is 'used goods'?
4. Given questions 1, 2, and 3, why would a woman with children presume to think that such a man would find her 'a good catch'?
Ladies, unload your weapons! Violence is never the answer! I am simply posing questions that came to mind while pondering the subject. To be fair, I will personalize my answer, as I think I am qualified to give accurate, fair, and unbiased insight.
I have dated many women with children. (Some of you might be reading this...Hi!) I've dated terrific women with children. I met them, we 'hit it off', we talked and established a connection. It must be said, however, often the mention of children was strategically inserted in conversation well after an obvious chemistry was realized. I am proud to say the mere fact that the woman has children isn't enough of a bombshell to stop me in my tracks. I never considered children in the picture to be a deterrent, but I have to be honest. In my heart of hearts, I identify with questions 1 and 2. I'd like to think I was always objective enough to measure a woman on her merit; her endearing (or not so endearing) qualities and such, leaving the fact that she has children out of my assessment.
How could I though? Honestly, how can I, or anyone, not take into account all that the children encompass? I contend that the longer a women is a single mother, the more her independent spirit is cultivated. I always found this to be a hurdle. Many single mothers, thankfully, are so strong, so brave, so 'hands on', and decidedly not in "need of no man". While these qualities are essential for raising children single, they are destructive when trying to cultivate a relationship. In my experience, women were unable to relinquish these traits. Some out of fear, others perhaps denial. It was the number 1 reason these relationships never worked in my experience.
Also noteworthy is the presence of the children's father/ fathers. This, more often than not, for obvious reasons, always made for uncomfortable encounters. Ironically enough, in most instances, the women seemed unaffected, (probably because of the depth of the 'bad blood' between her and her children's father), which always made things worse. They always seemed perplexed at my discomfort, as I sat and watched arguments between her and him, with me sitting there on the couch, with the children on either side of me. I felt like one of the kids! The father of the children would leave, and I would be noticeably uncomfortable. This would cause arguments between us in many cases, because the women would tell me I was silly for feeling as such.
It's not impossible, but given my experiences, it takes a 'special' man to take on that dynamic role. I have come to the conclusion that single men would be better off finding women with no children. Single mothers also benefit, because the numerous men that 'abandon' them because of their children can't be good for their psyche. Perhaps a better idea would be for single mothers to date and develop relationships with single fathers. The playing field is leveled, and the commonalities between both are increased. I have seen many examples of this, and am convinced of its success ratio over its counterpart.
The other important aspect to consider is the vast difference between Christian dating and secular dating, especially for the single moms... The Christ that lives within is the foundation which we live by day to day to trust Him. Regardless of "so-called baggage" otherwise known as in children, a single mom can still be "the one", she can still be attractive, sexy, at the top of her game with more to give to a loving relationship. Truly...
ReplyDeleteMr. Hines,
ReplyDeleteSociety seems to focus on single moms and it's very easy to express your female preferences. But, when I think of a single mom, equally, there's a single dad, but who has most likely abandoned his role and responsibility, not to the mother, but to the child(ren). A child does not have a choice in coming into the world. Someone, usually the mom, has to step up and accept all the responsibility to raise a child in a positive and healthy environment.
There is a person for everyone. I believe the opinions you expressed limits your thinking and will hold you back from finding an ideal partner. Your thought process leaves you with less of a selection or ultimately, you may just settle for who you have. Sometimes a woman with child(ren) can open your eyes to different perspectives, compliment you, and help you reach your full potential as a man.
Unless you're not interested in any children other than your own, don't underestimate the impact you may have on her child(ren). There's a lot to be said for a 'real' man who steps up to the plate, can offer his friendship, support and stability. It goes a long way with your partner and her child(ren).
As a woman without children, I find myself dating more and more men WITH children these days. Because frankly, for every single mother out there, there is a father to those children! As Mr. Hines pointed out, as a woman who has been independent, got an education, and is now looking for a soulmate -- it's hard to give up that freedom. However, I have come to realize, that regardless of whether there are children in the picture, there is freedom to be given up by simply having a life partner.
ReplyDeleteWith the reality in mind (in my 30s, it's likely most mates will have had kids), I agree with Mya that seeing how people treat their children is a WONDERFUL way to see how deep their love is for family (and could possibly grow for me). If a man treats his children like a ragamuffin, then you best believe that that will not be the man for me.
The biggest challenge that was not mentioned is that those children do have a right to have a say in who is in their household. As a child of a single mother, who got married to a man when I was a teenager, I know how much ruckus an unloving, new mate can cause in a household. Though the man may have 'loved' my mother, there certainly was no love for me. Therefore, not only should we be thinking about whether this man/woman is right, but whether there will be a bond with the children!
The last thing I worry about is the relationship with the other partner. Though granted, having baby momma / daddy drama is not a cup of tea. The way that my potential partner handles that drama is also a testament of his maturity. Even if she tries to fly off the deep end, if I can watch him try to settle things reasonably, then all the more respect I will have for that man!